What I Lost and What I found - China

In the last year and a half, climbing as taken me all over the country and the world. Places like Spain, Greece, Bishop, Red Rock, Mount Charleston, Red River Gorge, Chattanooga, Ten Sleep, Spearfish, Squamish, Maple and Rifle. Most recently was a trip to CHINA. It has been an incredible adventure and I am so happy to have made the decision to travel and work with The Climbing Academy (TCA).

However, this doesn't come without cost. For me, that cost is a lot of time away from stability. Specifically, stability of friends, family and women my age. Then there are relationships that broke, new ones found and others that I try so hard to keep intact. We all know finding balance can be hard no matter where you are.

As I travel to world class climbing destinations, I find myself lost in the local life and community that surrounds me. And in turn, a part of myself is shaped by each destination.

When we think about rock climbing we forget about the individual outside of this sport. Climbing can be viewed as selfish, not focused on community. Typically it is just you and the climb. Even your own thoughts are impossible to push out when spending so much time alone.

I felt like I lost who I thought I was when I left for TCA, at the same time I began to find the person I really wanted to be or strive to be. I want to be a good friend, a better partner, a climber, someone that I am proud to look back at when I think about the time I spent away from my comforts.

When we first arrived in China, I felt lost and I did not know where or how that feeling originated. Not lost in the literal sense, the emotional sense. I thought back to when I first began climbing. It was therapy. My way to escape my own deep thoughts and emotions. A place where I channeled everything into this strange activity. And I would leave with a smile, feeling refreshed. It all started when a friend saw I was in a rough spot, drinking excessively, constantly depressed and sleeping. I didn’t care about myself or others around me. I was stuck in the emotions of my best friend’s tragic death in a motorcycle accident (hit by a drunk and high driver). I remember the feelings of my first day climbing. It was hard. I hated it. A 5.6 left me totally exhausted. And then, overtime, with every lap up the wall, I felt myself come to terms with what happened to my closest friend. Climbing was filling in the holes that his passing left. I was feeling a lot more like myself again.

Back to China.

I felt climbing was not filling those holes like it did in the past. I had set goals for everything climbing - from teaching to climbing too high and was far to stressed and busy. I readjusted my goal from trying to work on a 13b to finishing another goal I set at the beginning of 2018 which was inspired by my best friend Taylor and climbing mentor, to do 50 5.12 climbs in the year. For me traveling and climbing for work this was a bit easier to attain, but I still had quite a few to go when we got to China. On week 6 I clipped the chains on my 50th 5.12 and found the motivation to try hard again but was still struggling with my body feeling terrible from the Chinese diet (don't get me wrong the food was great, I was just not getting something that I needed), and my mental game just not where I wanted it to be.

In our time here, I felt like I had no motivation to climb and that I was falling into a new hole, potentially dragging others down with me. I kept thinking to myself “how are you supposed to be the strong, inspiring, female for all these girls when you can't see it in yourself”. More thoughts of self doubt kept creeping in and I had to get out of the house.

One of the other teachers, Erez had the same Wednesday afternoons off that I did and has incredible amounts of motivation and deep love towards climbing. After some hesitation, as I often have a sour taste about multi pitch climbing, he convinced me to do one with him called Happy New Year 10b. On this climb, I felt the carefree, relaxing, and mindlessness overcome me as I led up the middle pitches of this tall limestone dome. I was hooked again, Erez convinced me to do two more climbs in China, one called Grandfathered In 10d, and the last called Birdman Goes Free 12c.

On Birdman Goes Free, I lead the first 11a pitch which had a technical crux and some spicy moves above the bolts on sandy not well traveled rock. I felt the nerves come back and I couldn't move. Technical and I don't get along, I would say I am a fairly burly climber compared to the delicate moves I was looking up at in a slick, sandy stem box corner. With patience and encouragement from Erez below, I realized that I no longer needed to feel that fear I once did on multi pitch climbs, I was a stronger climber now not only physically but especially mentally. As I floated through the moves with ease, each pitch farther up became increasingly relaxing. I gave Erez the crux pitch, even though he insists that I am a stronger climber. after he gets to the top I float up the crux tufa just barely holding on through the pump to the top. Sending this route for me wasn't sending a 12c, it was pushing through the final mental and personal cruxes I had left. As I stood on top of the dome, I felt a calm and controlled feeling overcome me. I know now and knew then that I was a strong woman who could get through life but it took a bit of soul searching to find the answer.

So here's to letting life take its course. Here's to life and death and to dealing with and letting go. No matter your struggle, you have the strength to reach out and to find what you need to feel better. And for me that comes from self motivation.